


The Doctor's Bride

by infinite_regress



Category: Doctor Who (2005), The Princess Bride - William Goldman
Genre: 12 is Westley, Clara is Buttercup, F/M, Fairy Tale Endings, Fairy Tale Parody, Fairy Tale Style, Kissing, Romance, The Princes Bride, Whouffaldi First Kiss Challenge, whouffaldi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 05:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6552865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinite_regress/pseuds/infinite_regress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor dances with the Countess at the space-Ball, and she might just be a perfect match for him. Clara is horribly jealous. There are tears, misunderstandings, and eventually, kisses.  </p><p> </p><p>For anyone who ever wondered what the Doctor really means when he says 'Yes Boss'</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor's Bride

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw/gifts).



> A shameless parody of ‘The Princes Bride’ in which the Doctor is Westley and Clara is Buttercup.

 

It was a glittering space-Ball, beings of every kind in swanky tuxedos and glorious long dresses, glittering starlight in the artificial sky overhead with music from the best band in the sector. He wore a new suit, and he danced with the Countess de Castell, reputed to be one of the 12 the most beautiful women in the galaxy. The Countess was woman grown into her beauty: raven hair, flawless pale skin, and emerald eyes, all perfectly preserved, and the lines, and there were a few lines, made her _more_ beautiful. Her dress was a stream of red satin clung tight at the waist, and her cleavage: don’t even mention that cleavage! A bosom so large it had its own gravity, inexorably drawing the eyes of the men in the room.

When the Countess spoke, her voice was a sultry whisper, and things like ‘I assume you tried to re-calibrate the dimensional stabilizers?’ just tripped off her slippery tongue. And the worst of it? She was tall! Shorter than him by a whisker, and when the third person said, ‘What a dashing pair!’ as the Doctor and the Countess waltzed across the floor, Clara made her excuses, skulked back to her room, flopped into bed a little feverish, and closed her eyes.

In her mind the Countess was still dancing with the Doctor!

Why would the most beautiful woman on the planet be interested in the Doctor? Clara rolled around in bed. There was no other way to explain it, something interested the Countess, facts were facts. But _what?_ He had eyes like the sea before a storm, but who cared about _eyes_? And he had soft silver curls, if you liked that sort of thing.

Clara sat up in bed.  It must be his teeth, or maybe that smile, the Doctor did have a dazzling smile when he let it loose. Could it be anything else? Women followed him around a lot, but he always ignored them, after all he was exceptionally stupid. One might even say, an _idiot_. Clara sighed, people were surprisingly complicated. But people don’t look at other people the way the Countess did because of their _teeth._

‘Oh,’ she gasped. ‘Oh, Oh dear!’

Now in her mind the Doctor was stood at the console the way he always did, and he looked into the Countess’s eyes! How could he?

Clara fell to the bed and clutched a pillow across her breasts, and wept, got up and paced, and then wept some more.

It was a very long and very green night.

She was outside the TARDIS before dawn. He appeared in the doorway, the time-rota rising and falling behind him. He waited. She looked and him. Then she looked away.

He was too beautiful.

‘I love you,’ Clara said. ‘I know this must come as a surprise, since all I ever do is argue and taunt you, but I have loved you a very long time now, and every second more. Your eyes are like the sea before a storm, did you know that? Well they are. I love you so much there is not room in my body for anything else. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection. Do you want me to follow you for the rest of my days? I will.

I can’t compete with the Countess, but remember she has many lovers, and for me there is only you. Dearest Doctor, and I have never called you that, have I? Whisper that I have a chance to win your love.’ And with that she did the bravest thing she had ever done: she looked right into his eyes.

He closed the door in her face.

Without a word.

Clara ran, burst away in bitter tears, stumbled and slammed into a tree, rose and ran on, although the pain was strong where she’d banged the tree, it was not enough to ease her shattered heart. Back in her room she drenched the world in tears.

Not even _one_ word?

She thought hard for a moment then had the answer. He didn’t speak because as soon as he opened his mouth it would all be over, he was such an idiot.

‘Duty of care,’ that’s what he would have said. That was exactly the kind of thing he would come out with.

She dried her eyes, took a deep breath, and heaved a sigh. You felt passion, you blinked and it was gone, chalk it up to experience Oswald. She stood up, made her bed, smiled, combed her hair, and burst out again in a fit of weeping. There was a limit to how much you could lie to yourself.

The Doctor wasn’t an idiot. She could laugh at his struggle with language, but his brain was every bit as good as his smile. The reason he hadn’t spoken was because there was nothing to say.

He didn’t love her and that was that.

The tears that kept her company for the rest of the day were not hot like before, but silent and steady. She wasn’t good enough. All the men who had chased her (and there were many) meant nothing. The one time it mattered she wasn’t good enough.

It was dusk when she heard footsteps by her door.

‘Whoever is that?’

‘The Doctor.’

‘Who? Oh, _the Doctor._ It’s you. I’m glad you stopped by. I’ve been feeling rotten about my little joke this morning. Of course you knew I wasn’t serious, but I thought, just for a moment, you might think I meant those things when we both know it is impossible.’

‘I’m leaving.’

The floor began to ripple. She held onto the doorframe.

‘I’ve scared you off. Me and my big mouth.’ She shook her head and shook her head. ‘Well if that’s your choice, but remember this, when she’s done with you I won’t take you back. I don’t care if you beg.’

He just looked at her.

Clara hurried on. ‘Because you are so beautiful and clever, it’s made you conceited, people can get tired of you, and she will.’

‘I’m going to find a quiet planet, build a cottage and make a bed big enough for two.’

‘You’re crazy if you think she’ll be happy in a back-water planet and a tiny cottage. Not with what she spends on clothes.’

‘Stop talking about the Countess before you drive me _maaaaad_ ’

Clara looked at him.

‘Don’t you understand anything that's going on?’

Clara shook her head, and the Doctor shook his too.

‘Do you love me, Doctor? Is that it?'

He couldn’t believe it. ‘Do I love you?’ My god, if your love were a gain of sand mine would be a universe of beaches. If your love were’-  

‘I don’t understand the first one yet,’ Clara interrupted. ‘Let me get this straight, are you saying my love is the size of a grain of sand and yours is this other thing? You’re confusing me! Help me here Doctor, I have the feeling we’re on the verge of something really important.’

‘I made this body because I thought it would please you. I’ve lived on a prayer that you might glance in my direction. I’ve not known a moment in years when the sight of you didn’t send my hearts thumping. I’ve not known a night when your smile didn’t hush me to sleep…Is any of this getting through to you Clara, or would you like me to go on?’

‘Never stop. If you’re teasing me I’m going to thump you so hard you’ll regenerate.’

‘How can you think I’d tease about this?’

‘You’ve never once said you love me.’

‘Is that what you need? Easy. I love you. Okay? Want it louder I LOVE YOU. Spell it out, should I? ell-oh-vee-ee- why-oh-you. Want it backward? Love you I.’

‘You _are_ teasing.’

‘A little, maybe; I’ve been saying it so long, you just didn’t hear. Every time you said, “Doctor show me the stars” and I said “Yes Boss” I was saying ‘I love you.’

‘I hear you now, and I promise you this: I will never love anyone else, only you, until I die.’

He stepped away. ‘I’ll come back for you soon, I promise.’

‘I understand.’

He reached out a hand, and Clara found it hard to breathe.

‘Goodbye.’ She managed to raise a hand to his, they shook, and he took a small step.

She watched him.

He turned, and the words ripped from her: ‘ _Without one kiss?’_

 

***

There have been three kisses since 1963 worth mentioning. A precise rating of kisses courts controversy, so I’ll say only this. The first was a young (ish) Time Lord who had stolen the President’s daughter, and we don’t know an awful lot about that one. The second was a Time Lord in leather, who kissed the vortex from a Bad Wolf’s mouth, and that was full of gold, and pretty hot. The third was a bow-tie and a river, ostensibly to heal a crack in reality, and we all remember exactly how that one went down.

 

Well, this kiss left them all behind.

_This_ kiss sent a million colours pulsing, fast as light through diamond, into the air.

 _This_ kiss was a star sparking for eternity in the inky black of the void.

 _This_ kiss eclipsed quasars by comparison.

 _This_ kiss glowed.

It sent hearts racing, spines-tingling, toes curling, bodies twitching and shuddering through a cosmos of passion. Haul a paradox up by its bootstraps and kiss it to death! Let causality take its chances, because honestly, could the universe _really_ be cracked _by a kiss_?

Let’s imagine Clara and the Doctor are running to this day: flying across the universe hand in hand, hearts racing, from one breathless adventure to the next, and who’s to say it didn’t happen _exactly_ like this? It is a fairy tale after all.

 ***

 

They fell into each other’s arms…

 

…and they both lived happily ever after…

 

_fin_

 

 


End file.
